Solitude

One of my biggest concerns upon learning that I would be serving in the United Kingdom for a year, was time spent alone.  I was told from the beginning that I would have more free time than work time, especially in the first few weeks.  I told everyone who asked that some solitude would be fine.  I would figure out how to entertain myself.

I've always considered myself an extrovert.  I love being around people, making new friends, being center of attention, and making a fool of myself.  I'm the first to volunteer to be a guinea pig during lectures and conferences.  Being around people has always been easy.  So naturally, being alone for an extended period of time was worrisome.  I worried about making friends.  I worried about being seen as an outcast, someone who clearly didn't fit in.  I worried that my outgoing personality would be frowned upon.

Even though my Meyers-Briggs Personality Test says I'm and ENFP (Extrovert iNtuition Feeling Perceiving), I'm finding that my inner-introvert is slowly emerging.  The first few weeks I was very quiet.  Only spoke when spoken too, and even then my answers were short. One sentence. Maybe two. I tried so hard to conform to what I thought were the expectations of the school and society.

When I met a small group of people for a bible study, I didn't say one word for the entire 90 minutes other than, "Hello, I'm Aline."  I listened.  I tried to decipher the personalities of the other 4 people in the room. At the end, we all shared prayer requests.  Mine was prayer for a solid schedule to be approved soon.  I didn't ask for what I really needed - Strength to get through the week.

I was so frustrated with myself after because I was afraid!  ME!  Afraid of new people.  Who was this girl?? Surely, it wasn't me.  I don't think I've EVER been afraid of meeting someone new.  I was a totally different person for the first 3 or 4 weeks. Shy, quiet, reveling in the alone time I was given.

watching rugby with MK, MT, and KC

Slowly, I came out of my shell.  I'm more myself than when I started but I still have a long way to go. The girls see more of my true self than any of my colleagues.  I can be goofy with the girls and they don't judge me (at least not to my face).  We play games and sing songs.  Cook brownies, watch rugby and make cheese toasties (Grilled Cheese).

Presently, I am in my flat, alone.  All of the girls are gone for half-term break, and I am here.  I wasn't sure I how I would feel about these few days alone before a conference with all my UK YAGM friends, but I'm starting to love this time.  I can sing at the top of my lungs.  Watch movies (currently listening to "The Lizzie McGuire Movie"). Listen to music and mostly, process.  It gives me the time to really think about everything that is happening here.

Today, I realized that I don't have to be one thing.  I don't have to be Aline the Extrovert, or Aline the Introvert.  I can just be Aline. I don't need to try to be someone that I am not.  If I want to really, truly be present here, I just need to be.  I need to say yes to new experiences (like being forced to try Marmite by the girls. It was bad. really bad.) I will make a true effort to get to know new people and make friends.  I can claim a few already, but there are so many people I see often, and I don't know more than their name - sometimes I can't even remember that!  But I am making the conscious effort to try harder.  And for now that has to be enough.

~Lina